Capulets and Montagues

By Jill Ingber
University of Wisconsin-Madison

Parents have tactics to instill Jewish values in their children. Jewish camps, day schools, youth group activities, Hebrew school, High School in Israel trips, and colleges with a Jewish population—a population so large that a sign-up sheet may be passed around in lecture to account for those who will be absent due to the upcoming High Holidays. And surely many Jewish parents find this a good way for their Jewish children to find a nice Jewish boy or girl.

Two years ago, my closest friend, despite all that was expected of her and even with the initial repercussions, decided to date a non-Jew. She is now engaged and I cannot imagine a better match for her. Although her fiancé is now converting to Judaism, had she refused to date a non-Jew, the two of them would have never been together

I, like my older cousins and brother, all went through some combination of the aforementioned Jewish activities. It so happens that all of us went on to date non-Jews. This does not mean that we did not value our experiences, or that we have no appreciation for Judaism. Still, I find the outcome of our parents’ efforts slightly ironic.

Juliet Capulet was told not to date a Montague. She did, and their parents could never accept it. So their story ended in tragedy. And we all were thinking, "Hey, if you all could just get over your problem, maybe your children would be alive today!" Is that very different from the interdating situation? It is simply expected from the beginning that our group is not supposed to date a certain other group of people.

Admittedly, had Romeo and Juliet decided not to take the proverbial Romeo and Juliet ending, and instead gotten married despite their parents’ protests, there would likely have been some bumps along the road as well. They would probably have had to move to a new town to avoid conflict, but then argued about which grandparents to take the kids to for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Then they may have eventually ended up on Dr. Phil because all of it was putting a strain on the marriage that they could easily do without. But in the end, is that such a dreadful situation?

As I said before, I do not regret any of my Jewish experiences, and I do value my Judaism. And so, I do not know exactly why it is that I have allowed myself to date a non-Jew. Perhaps it is because, like many people my age, I do not like doing things I am told. Maybe the idea of being told who I can and cannot marry does not settle well with me. Possibly all the Jewish activities I was involved in turned me away from dating Jews because I felt I was too surrounded by Judaism. Or maybe it is because I simply met and started dating someone and he happens to be not Jewish. It could be a combination of all these things.

I am in no way against dating a Jew. But the expectation that I undoubtedly will may have caused me to rebel against it. I didn’t go out of my way looking for a non-Jew, but I also did not limit myself to only dating Jews. I understand every concern for why such a request is made by the Jewish community and our parents. I understand that it is not solely for the sake of Judaism’s religious beliefs, but for the Jewish culture as well. I do, however, believe that life is short, and I do not believe that the religion of one’s spouse is worth tearing a family apart.

Jill Ingber is a senior at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. Jill grew up in Minnesota, and plans to return after she graduates with a degree in Communications. She is an artist and has sold several of her paintings. She also loves movies and traveling.

[Posted 9/5/05]