Jews and Sex: Things to Consider

Michele Adler
University of Albany

Sex and Judaism. Two topics that most people don’t like to think about together. Usually when people do the deed, they do not want to think about God. However, those who are more religious say that God is like the third partner in a sexual encounter. When husband and wife are united, it is as if they are uniting with God as well. However, in general, people do not think this way.

Most people think religion tries to prohibit sex and the enjoyment of it. On the contrary, Judaism especially encourages the enjoyment and pleasuring of the partners in a relationship. A woman can actually divorce her husband if she does not feel sexually satisfied by their relationship.

Still, most people seem shocked when you try to talk about the relationship between Judaism and sexuality. When I asked some friends about this topic, they were all flabbergasted by the thought of the two together. Everyone talks about sex and religion, but not at the same time.

In Judaism, women are given a lot of sexual power and their demands are supposed to be met in the bedroom. This is not what you would expect. You would expect the suppression of women, making them submit to the desires of their husbands. This is what we associate with Jewish law: male domination. But no, women are given free reign in the bedroom.

In the Bible, the phrase used for consummating a marriage is "to know." When you think about this expression, knowing someone else this intimately must mean more, you cannot just know someone in the physical sense and not share any other connection, such as emotional.

The concept of sex in Judaism is very different than that in Christianity. In Christianity, sex is seen as the original sin. God’s first commandment to the people is to procreate, and that comes under the bonds of marriage. The second important part of sexual relations is companionship, which God found to be just as important. It was not good when Adam was alone, so God created Eve. So, God wants us to have children and companionship, under the institution of marriage.

Sex is viewed very positively in Judaism. Our God is not one who wants us to suffer and not enjoy ourselves; God just wants us to exercise self-control and not become reckless. Anything to the extreme is not good. Eating and drinking are both good and necessary, but when one becomes gluttonous or an alcoholic, things get out of hand. Moderation and doing things in the proper context are important. Food and drink may be used for holiness, such as for celebrating holiday meals and for making kiddush. Sex too can be holy if practiced in the context of marriage. Outside of marriage, sex can be dangerous if people abuse it and have wanton sex. If people still treat it as something sacred and not just something to be done recklessly, it can retain its value.

[Judaism values sex and sees it as an important component of life. If people are in a serious relationship, I think sex can serve as the next step in cementing their commitment. Some argue that by waiting until marriage to have sex, that makes it even more special. But people are people, and the power of sexual desire is strong and oftentimes people do not want to wait.]

[Really, there’s nothing wrong with sex. It’s a special act between two committed people. I don’t think God would mind if you were having sex unless you were just being reckless about it. If you were in a serious relationship, I would think it could make you and your partner closer and take your relationship to a new level. Use your judgment when contemplating sex, and if religion plays a part in your decision making process, evaluate your beliefs and see what works for you.]

[Posted 11/10/04]