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What Parents "Owe" Their Children

by Ron Isaacs

  

Jewish Obligations of Parents to Their Children

The Jewish people are first and foremost a family, and the family paradigm has been so dominant that it has cast its light on Jewish history. Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel and Leah are still referred to as our forefathers and foremothers, rather than our founders or leaders. The Jewish people have been and are still called the children of Israel, originally referring to Jacob (a.k.a. Israel) and his sons. There has been a nearly total merging of Jewish identity and the paradigm of the family.

Throughout the ages the Jewish people have been known for the value and importance which they have put on family as a social, economic and religious unit. For many centuries the Rabbis have written and spoken about various aspects of the Jewish family. Judaism places exceptional emphasis on parents honoring and caring for their children and vice versa.

Perhaps the most famous rabbinic statement about parents' obligations to children appears in the Talmud (Kiddushin 29a), which provides a list of those things after birth which a parent is obligated to provide for a child:

"A father is obligated to do the following for his son: to circumcise him, to redeem him if he is a first born, to teach him Torah, to find him a wife, and to teach him a trade. Others say: teaching him how to swim as well."

Many now interpret this passage to mean that parents, both mother and father, are obligated to do these things for their child. We can see from this statement that rabbinic tradition is concerned not only with intellectual and spiritual competency, but with practical knowledge which would assure survival. Interestingly enough, love for one's child is left off this list. Perhaps this is because talmudic law usually addresses areas which the Rabbis felt needed highlighting. They felt love of children was not likely to be neglected.

Here are some other rabbinic statements about parents' obligations toward their children:

These represent just a small cross section of the many parental obligations of which the Rabbis spoke. Clearly they point to the important role of the Jewish home in the transmission of Jewish learning and values. The Jewish home, created by parents, has always been the source of identity formation in Judaism. This role was assigned to them long ago by the Shema, a biblical passage central to Jewish liturgy declaring God's oneness, which enjoins parents to "take to heart these words which I charge you this day. Impress them upon your children and recite them when you stay at home and when you are away, when you lie down and when you get up." (Deuteronomy 6:7) As Ismar Schorsch, Chancellor of the Jewish Theological Seminary, correctly stated: "Judaism invented family education by obligating parents to create an ambiance for their children permeated by Jewish conversation and ritual, Jewish artifacts and values."

Educating Our Children

If being fruitful and multiplying is the first dimension of Jewish parenting, educating our children is clearly the second. Judaism has long recognized that education is primarily the function of the family. Centuries ago all of early Jewish education was provided in the home. Jewish parents were the teachers who instructed their children in the duties of daily life. The biblical verse in Deuteronomy "impress them (God's words) upon your children" was an obligation that was taken very seriously. Today, more often than not, synagogues and day schools have appropriated much of the religious teaching function of the home. Today, parents often lack Jewish background and increasingly have attenuated Jewish memories.

In response to this situation, more and more synagogues are beginning to design Jewish family experiences which help to empower families with the things they need to know so they can gain some level of self sufficiency… [Such programs] may well assist you in imparting lasting Jewish values to your own children.

"Train up a child in the way he should go, and even when he is old he will not depart from it. (Proverbs 22:6)

Jewish Parenting - 10 Things to Keep in Mind

There are no shortcuts to good parenting! Today, many forces are at work which make raising good children difficult. In our open society, children are exposed to a multitude of mixed messages. Hard work, love and a little bit of "mazal" (luck) ought to increase the chances of creating a nurturing, sound foundation for your children. Although there are no pat answers or formulas for raising children of whom you will be proud and whose Jewishness will be more than just "skin deep," there are some things to keep in mind. Here is a list of ten suggestions culled from various sources on parenting:

  1. The most common complaint that psychologists hear from children is that their parents are too busy to listen to them and don't find time to spend with them.
  2. You cannot be a good role model for your children if you fear them.
  3. Being a good parent requires as much time, talent, energy and thought as any full-time job.
  4. Good parents get to know their children by becoming actively involved in their interests.
  5. A child's first and most important teachers are his parents. Note that the Hebrew word for parents, "horim" and for teachers, "morim" are very similar. Both words mean to teach and to instruct.
  6. The more time we spend with our children, the greater the possibility that we will be together when important moments in life occur.
  7. "How-to" books on parenting by experts can help to some extent, but parenting is too important a responsibility to hand over to experts.
  8. Raising children requires "activist" parenting. Parents must learn to praise their children and show them kindness, to say no when required, to set limits, to have respect for them, to teach them responsibility, to be realistic and to teach them through their own role modelling.
  9. Goodness is not an innate or natural disposition. People are not born good. Rather, they become good human beings by learning from role models who are good.
  10. Plan ahead and set goals for your child in terms of the kinds of values you want your child to have, and the type of person you would like your child to be.

From "Beginnings - Raising a Jewish Child: Early Years", by Ronald H. Isaacs. Published by the United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism Commission on Jewish Education. Available from the USCJ Book Service.

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