USCJ Review - Spring 2007
We Have Requirements
When a synagogue has to hire a new rabbi, it generally forms a search committee, gets in touch with the Joint Placement Committee, comes up with a list of requirement, and gets to work screening candidates. The requirements generally are fairly modest – must walk on water, must never need to sleep. Here is one such list, to be sung to the tune of of “I Have a Little List,” Koko’s patter song from Gilbert and Sullivan’s Mikado.
As someday it may happen a new rabbi must be found
We have requirements. We have requirements
Any candidate has got to meet who wants to stay around
You’ll see that they make sense. You’ll see that they make sense.His leyneing’s like the Rambam’s, full of depth and ka-va-na
His davening’s like Moshe’s, he sheds tears saying she-ma
And during the high holidays, when we ti-re of prayers
He’ll tell us sappy stories, that will move us all to tears
But he better not go on too long – our attention span’s not great
Long-windedness we hate. We know you can relate.He must keep his sermons short. He must keep his sermons short.
Or his job he will not keep too long, we’re not the wordy sort.He has good rabbinic training; in his class he was the top
He really knows Tanach, he really knows Tanach
He’s memorized the parshiot, along with all the trop
He can sing like JS Bach, he can sing like JS BachHis Torah teaching must excel, the best that ere we heard
He’ll really know the Talmud well, he’ll know it word for word
And he’ll use that knowledge wisely when he teaches adult ed
And he’s humble and cooperative. He’ll do what the board said
For a rabbi with opinions is not one we’ll tolerate
You surely know his fate: He would be out the gate.Such a one just would not rate. He’d be quickly out the gate.
An opinionated rabbi’s one with an expire date.His dealings with our children will be good and wise and sound
He puts children first of all, he puts children first of all
And he’d best know how to handle them ’cause we won’t be around
We’ll be schmoozing in the hall. We’ll be schmoozing in the hall.And their eardrum splitting screaming won’t disturb him during prayer
And about their little pranks he’s Sol-o-mon-ically fair
And he’s patient and forgiving ’cause his soul’s that of a saint
But he tolerates our foibles, he knows saints is what we ain’t
And he’s just so full of energy he never needs to rest.
And he’ll always be well dressed. And he says we are the best.All job seekers take a test, showing they won’t get too stressed.
Our requirements will thus ensure our rabbi’s heaven blessed.
Dr. David Greenberg is the director of the divison of statistical genetics at Columbia University’s Mailman School of Public Health and a member of Temple Beth Sholom in Teaneck, New Jersey.
