USCJ Review - Spring 2005

Traveling the Mourner's Path: A New Ceremony

by Paula Jacobs

From the moment the mourner is greeted with the traditional words of comfort, "May you be comforted among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem," the individual and the community become intertwined.

Jewish tradition recognizes that the mourner's path consists of several stages. Laws and customs govern the various phases of this journey, e.g., the seven days of shiva, the thirty days of sheloshim, and the 12 months of mourning a parent. Rituals are integral to Jewish lifecycle events, but there is no ceremony to mark the final steps on the mourner's path -- the conclusion of the Kaddish period.

Reciting Kaddish can be a transformative experience. The daily minyan plays a crucial role during this spiritual journey, serves as an important stepping stone on the mourner's path, and can aid in the healing process.

"Traveling the Mourner's Path: The Final Step," the ceremony described below, is based on the following premise: There is never absolute "closure," because the memory of the deceased eternally remains with us. Nevertheless, the final step on the mourner's path - when the individual no longer stands up at minyan to recite Kaddish -- is a defining moment that merits a ritual within the Jewish communal context.

The ceremony - which I created and now perform at Temple Israel of Natick, MA --acknowledges the link among the generations, what it means to be a member of the Jewish community, and the importance of Jewish communal prayer. Before the ceremony, mourners provide me with remarks both about their deceased relative and the experience of davening in the minyan.

The ritual is structured to acknowledge the transition of the individual "off" the mourner's path and the forged bonds between the mourner and the minyan community. Thus, the ceremony begins by recalling the generations, recognizing the individual mourner and his/her loved one. Next, the mourner recites a prayer that expressly thanks the minyan. Finally, all - individual and the minyan -- recite together a psalm as a communal prayer.

An important part of this ceremony is the presentation of the daily siddur. Both congregants and non-members who recite Kaddish regularly for 11 months at the daily minyan at Temple Israel receive an engraved siddur bearing an inscription reading, for example, "Presented to Michael Winer in memory of your beloved father, Albert Winer, by Temple Israel of Natick." The inside front cover of the Harlow Weekday Prayer Book is autographed by each member of our minyan, which, as one of the few local minyanim to meet twice a day, attracts non-members from surrounding communities. Our congregants are also presented with a Sim Shalom Shabbat siddur inscribed in memory of their loved one and placed in the sanctuary for use during Shabbat services.

Individual and Community: Holiness and Healing

The Sages taught that God is present wherever there is a minyan (BT Berachot 6a). The Mourner's Kaddish, an ancient Aramaic prayer which expresses the sanctification of God's name, derives from the Hebrew word, "kadosh" or holy. This prayer, which contains no mention of death, must be recited in a minyan or quorum of ten (BT Berachot 21b). As a sacred community where the mourner can publicly recite Kaddish and praise God's name, the minyan is intrinsically imbued with holiness.

The Kaddish prayer binds the generations together and strengthens community ties. The Sages ascribed great significance to the congregational response, "Amen y'hei sh'mei raba mevarakh" (Amen, may your Great Name be praised), including the power to destroy an evil decree and open the gates of the Garden of Eden (BT Shabbat 119b). Indeed, when the congregation responds at five different fixed junctures within the Kaddish prayer, the individual poignantly senses the community's presence.

Wrote a fellow congregant at the end of her Kaddish period: "These last eleven months have been a truly uplifting experience for me. I have met and grown close to people I never would have spoken to otherwise. I have observed the idiosyncrasies in prayer and behavior of dozens of people and have come to value them all. I am in awe of those who faithfully attend minyan every week, month after month, just to help make the quorum of ten. It has been a privilege to be among these people, and I will always be grateful for their support and caring."

Abraham Joshua Heschel wrote, "The liturgy is an order we can enter only as a community of Israel." The minyan is an important venue to affirm one's membership in the community of Israel. It provides a safe haven where individuals, synagogue members and non-members alike, can find genuine comfort, meaning, and spiritual community and perform hesed shel emet to honor their loved one's memory.

According to one non-member who davened in the minyan, "Temple Israel of Natick 'took me in' and allowed me to become a part of the congregation even though I am not a member. Being part of the daily minyan made it so much more meaningful to pass the months of saying Kaddish than it would have been otherwise."

A long-time congregant noted: "We have a place to feel welcome, comforted, supported, understood, and insulated…where day after day, dedicated caring congregants come to help you through a difficult time and eventually, as you gain strength, a place where you can comfort others and pass on what you have learned. Then, at the completion of your formal mourning period, the presentation of a prayer book -- signed by many who have participated in the minyanim -- helps you transition back from being a mourner. After nearly 40 years of sharing life's milestones here, the word 'congregant' has never meant more to me."

Strengthening Bonds

The deep bonds created by the daily minyan community became apparent to me soon after I began reciting Kaddish for my father (z"l) nearly six years ago. Seeing the same faces each day at daily minyan became a significant part of the healing process. Total strangers soon became friends. Newcomers and old-timers alike, we sensed the presence of God in our holy community. Our small, modest chapel becamea sacred space where we embraced, comforted and sustained each other.

But when members of our minyan disappeared after their 11-month period of reciting Kaddish came to an end, our close-knit group felt their absence. That is why I decided to mark the occasion with a ceremony, one that has evolved since I made my first presentation in December 1999. "Traveling the Mourner's Path: The Final Steps" has now become a Temple Israel tradition. Weeks before a mourner finishes reciting Kaddish, minyan members mark the date on their calendars and autograph the siddur, a treasured keepsake.

In the words of one long-time member: "There is no greater comfort than being surrounded by family, by those who truly care when you experience the death of a loved one. minyan has forever changed me and my relationship with the Temple Israel family. What made the occasion [final ceremony] so special, though, were two things: The signatureswere one final physical expression of a group of people who truly cared. Your words of consolation and prayer in the presence of the minyan encapsulated my entire minyan experience with one final feeling of warmth."

Reminisced another, "[The Daily Prayer Book] is a constant reminder of the importance of the year of shiva. Looking at the name on the cover of the siddur is a reminder of my father. Looking at the signatures on the inside cover is a reminder of all those who supported me during a difficult time in my life."

An unanticipated byproduct of the ceremony has been a more vibrant, educated minyan that is much more knowledgeable about the significance and history of the Kaddish prayer. Former mourners, now "regulars," fervently pray from their special siddurim. The experience has also inspired congregants to climb the ladder of Jewish learning, mastering new ritual skills and engaging in serious adult learning. Many who first began studying six years ago during their Kaddish period now serve as congregational role models for lifelong Jewish learning.

"Traveling the Mourner's Path: The Final Step"

Leader: Read or sing the following passages by Marcia Falk, The Book of Blessings:

Recalling the generations, we weave our lives into the tradition.
As we bless the source of life so we are blessed.

(The above passages are excerpted from The Book of Blessings: New Jewish Prayers for Daily Life, the Sabbath, and the New Moon Festival (Harper, 1996; Beacon, 1999). Copyright © 1996 by Marcia Lee Falk.)

Leader: Today, as a holy minyan community, we mark the last day that [name] has recited the Kaddish prayer for his/her/their beloved [insert relationship, e.g. father, mother]. By reciting Kaddish and worshipping here as a member of the community of Israel, you have performed hesed shel emet, you have bestowed honor on the memory of your beloved [insert name and relationship, e.g. father, Albert Winer], and expressed an unbroken link with Am Yisrael, and have indeed kept [his/her] spirit alive within our community.

Leader: Dear [name], we hope that our sacred community has brought you comfort and healing during this difficult time. Now, may I share with your minyan friends some words that you have shared with me about your beloved [name].

Leader now shares brief but highly personalized remarks about the deceased. Leader may relate this to the weekly Torah portion or something relevant as appropriate.

Leader: Presents the siddur.

Leader and Mourner Together:

A Prayer for the minyan
by Paula Jacobs

Eloheinu, v'Elohei avoteinu v'imoteinu Elohei Avraham, Elohei Yitzchak, v'Elohei Ya'akov Elohei Sarah, Elohei Rivkah, Elohei Rachel v'Elohei Leah.

Our God and God of our ancestors, God of Abraham, God of Isaac, God of Jacob, God of Sarah, God of Rebecca, God of Rachel, and God of Leah.

You sustained me on this difficult journey, You understood my pain, You comforted and healed me, And helped me reaffirm my faith.

May you bestow blessing upon this sacred community, May you bring peace, To all those who join together in prayer, To all those who organize a minyan, To all who provide comfort and healing, And whose sacred deeds bring holiness and renewal.

Yitgadal v'yitkadash sh'mei raba
May we magnify and sanctify the Great Name for now and forever

v'ken y'hi ratzon
So may it be our will.
Amen.

[Optional: For those congregations that prefer to include the above prayer in Hebrew].

Conclusion: All now recite together Psalm 121 (or a psalm of your choice).

I lift up my eyes to the hills What is the source of my help?

My help comes from the Lord, Maker of the heavens and the earth.

He will not allow you to stumble. Your Guardian will not slumber. Indeed, the Guardian of Israel neither slumbers nor sleeps.

The Lord is your Guardian, your shelter at your side. The sun will not smite you by day nor the moon by night.

The Lord will guard you against all evil, He will guard you,body and soul.

The Lord will guard your going out And your coming home, now and forever.

Amen.

(Translation from siddur Sim Shalom, edited by Rabbi Jules Harlow, published by the Rabbinical Assembly and The United Synagogue of Conservative Judaism.)