USCJ Review - Spring 2005
The Real Test of B'nai Mitzvah Education
When I meet with b'nai mitzvah students, I like to quiz them about what they think my bat mitzvah celebration was like some 20 years ago. Inevitably, they try to guess the theme of my party. Knowing I'm a rabbi, they cleverly guess Jewish themes: Was it Israel? Was it Torah? Was it a Jewish holiday? It comes as a shock when I tell them the truth about my bat mitzvah celebration: I had a hayride with my friends on a Sunday afternoon.
I think their shock (which is surpassed only by the shock of their parents) stems from two things. First, that anything other than a dinner dance could be an appropriate bat mitzvah celebration. Everyone they know has an elegant, usually formal, Saturday night party. And second, they are shocked that the point of the celebration is for the youngsters - not their parents - to have fun. Most 13- year-olds I know would much rather be in jeans and t-shirts than formal attire. Most would rather be playing freely outside than trying to sit still in their seats listening to candlelighting and speeches. And yet, this is how the majority of Jewish families today celebrate what was meant to be a simple, dignified, religious recognition of Jewish maturity.
As the director of the b'nai mitzvah program at my synagogue for the past six years, I have learned several lessons about b'nai mitzvah education. I have learned that most families want the bar/bat mitzvah to be about more than the party, but they don't know how to accomplish that goal. I have learned that when youngsters ask, either out loud or to themselves, "Why am I doing this?", it is dangerously insufficient to answer, "Because I did" or "Because that's what Jewish youngsters do." Teachers and parents needs a stronger, more positive, more fully articulated motivation for b'nai mitzvah studies. And I have learned that youngsters today have tremendous passion, determination, curiosity and skill. But parents and teachers need to do a better job of channeling those assets into building their children's spiritual lives.
To that end, there are three pillars of b'nai mitzvah education that are essential.
1. The Shabbat experience
Since most students will celebrate their bar/bat mitzvah on shabbat, it is critical that students and their families have an ongoing experience in their own synagogue on shabbat. While many congregations require students to attend a certain number of weeks on shabbat, I have found it even more meaningful to bring families into shul together on shabbat. Our b'nai mitzvah orientation is held in synagogue on shabbat morning. On that day, students who will be beginning their studies in the upcoming months are invited to the Torah for an aliyah along with their parents. They attend services together and then share shabbat lunch with the other new families. Similarly, during the program, parents and children are expected to attend a shabbat morning study session with the rabbi regularly for 10 weeks. This routine allows both parents and youngsters to get familiar and comfortable with what happens in their synagogue on shabbat. When their special shabbat arrives, they are not strangers in their own synagogue. Even more important, after the bar/bat mitzvah celebration, they feel connected to the community that prays together weekly.
2. Parents as Jewish Teachers
One of the greatest hurdles to Jewish home life today is that the parents I encounter do not feel knowledgeable enough to teach Judaism to their children. Hence, they hire tutors and send their children to congregational religious schools or Jewish day schools. All of these are reasonable and responsible options, but they do have a significant cost: Parents abdicate their role as their child's Jewish teachers.
Judaism is different than other areas of study - such as math or science - in that it represents values and beliefs. Certainly, Jewish educators can teach our children how to daven or how to read Torah, just as secular teachers can tutor our children in school subjects. But if the parent is totally absent from the Jewish educational process, then the skill is just a skill. It has no connection to the child's life and the family's religious context. Therefore, it is imperative that Jewish education re-empower parents to be their children's Jewish teachers and role models. Even parents who lack Hebrew skills and synagogue familiarity can discuss their beliefs about God, their commitment to tzedakah, and their own thoughts about religious observances. Most teachers can provide information and skills. Great teachers can do so with passion and personal commitment. But only parents can really invest that knowledge with meaning and longevity.
In our b'nai mitzvah program,it has been successful for parents to be the primary teachers on the topic of the English d'var Torah or speech. Parents and youngsters work together in English, reading and questioning the child's Torah portion. Most parents are able to help their child articulate their ideas, research their questions and word their speech into a comprehensive text. Many parents have some experience with public speaking and are able to successfully guide their child in this area of his/her preparation. The benefits are numerous: Parents and children are studying Torah together, they are creating an important element of the b'nai mitzvah ceremony together, and most importantly, parents are employed as their child's Jewish teacher. These conversations hopefully set the stage for further conversations about Torah and Jewish life in general. There is no question that students benefit from professional tutors and teachers in many areas of Jewish study. But returning at least one piece of Jewish learning to the parent-child relationship during the b'nai mitzvah process is a vital for lasting success.
3. Increasing Jewish Confidence
When I ask students what they are anxious about regarding their bar/bat mitzvah, they answer, "singing in front of people." What that means is that they are afraid of making mistakes, they are afraid of their voices cracking, they are afraid of "looking stupid." Now these are not "stupid" youngsters. In fact, they are incredibly accomplished individuals who excel in sports, music, academics and every other area of life they touch. But when it comes to Judaism, many students feel uneducated and incompetent. No one - neither youngsters nor adults -- likes to get up and perform in an arena in which they feel unskilled. And so it is the responsibility of parents, teachers, rabbis and Jewish educators to instill a greater sense of Jewish confidence in our students. We must help them feel secure so that they can learn more and survive their mistakes. We must be gentle and patient but also not settle for mediocrity. We need to push them to expect more from themselves. We need to repeat to them over and over again: "You will be able to read from the Torah. You will be able to lead the whole congregation in prayer. I know you can do this!" And of course, we need to train them thoroughly so that their confidence is well founded.
There is something more. b'nai mitzvah training needs to expand its scope beyond synagogue skills. While most children are able to learn a significant amount of Torah, Haftarah and prayer skills, there is more to Jewish life than ritual knowledge and the b'nai mitzvah program should reflect that. In our congregation, for example, we do mitzvah projects together as a b'nai mitzvah class once a month. We also have discussions about Jewish topics together in English during our shabbat class. These experiences allow youngsters who are not accomplished at Hebrew reading or singing to feel successful in other areas of the b'nai mitzvah training. It also reinforces the message that Jewish life is multi-faceted. Synagogue skills are important and can be a meaningful expression of Jewish identity. But Jewish study and discussion, volunteering and supporting the needy in the community are also meaningful expressions of Jewish identity.
Ultimately, the goal of any b'nai mitzvah program is to encourage students to learn more and to continue their connection to the Jewish community beyond their Haftarahmtzvah date. Only when students feel that Judaism is something they are good at will there be any chance they will continue with Jewish learning.
We can see that bnai mtzvah education is a complex and broad field. But maybe more than any other aspect of synagogue life, it has the potential to transform the child, the family and,by extension,the community. As we learn in Pirkei Avot, "The day is short and the task is great." May we continue to be strong and creative in re-envisioning b'nai mitzvah education. And may the works of our synagogues continue to bring children and their families closer to God's spirit.
Rabbi Rader is an Associate Rabbi at B'nai Torah Congregation in Boca Raton where she directs the b'nai mitzvah Program, coordinates the Judaic curriculum of the Early Childhood Center, and leads a popular alternative service, Havurat shabbat, each shabbat morning. In her six years in the Boca Raton community, Rabbi Rader has earned a reputation as a compassionate pastoral counselor as well as an inspiring teacher and lecturer. She was recently awarded the prestidgious Rabbi Simon Greenberg Rabbinic Leadership Award by the Jewish Theological Seminary. She also was admitted to the innovative rabbinic leadership development program, Professional Education and Excellence for Rabbis, sponsored by STAR (Synagogue Transformation and Renewal). Rabbi Rader was ordained by the Jewish Theological Seminary of America in New York City in 1999. During her student years, Rabbi Rader studied at the Schechter Institute of Judaic Studies in Jerusalem and the University of Judaism is Los Angeles. Rabbi Rader also served as the rabbi for the Lakeland Hills Jewish Center in Ringwood, New Jersey, was a fellow at the National Jewish Healing Center in New York City, and was the first Jewish chaplain at Methodist Hospital in Minneapolis, Minnesota, her hometown. She balances her devotion to serving the Jewish community with her love for her family. She and her husband, Kevin, are the loving parents of 4 children: Caleb, Ruby, Yael and Ezra.
