USCJ Review - Spring 2006

Reaching Out to the Intermarried

by Rabbi David Booth

Isolated Jewish communities are a thing of the past. Ask a group of Jews how many of them have non-Jewish relatives and many will answer in the affirmative. Ask Conservative Jews how many send their children to public school and the overwhelming majority will tell you that they do. We are fully integrated into the wider non-Jewish culture.

Thirty percent of our United Synagogue Youth students come back with non-Jewish spouses because they attend the great acculturating institution of the United States -- college. The challenge for us as a movement is how we will respond to these new facts. I know a family whose son intermarried. He and his wife are raising their children as Christians. From our perspective this is a tragedy, but that couple has made a choice. We are quick to blame the non-Jew but let's be clear on who made the choice to reject tradition. Being nasty to this woman only attracts ill will from both partners and gets us nothing.

These issues are personal for me because my wife chose to become Jewish. Like many of our USY students, when I went to college I swore I wouldn't date non-Jews. That was true -- until I met Carol. As we got more serious, she began to explore Judaism. Fortunately for me, she decided to convert. We got married about 18 months later. I too have non-Jewish family.

Many of our current policies are about circling the wagons, about trying to prevent what is already taking place. Synagogue phone lists ought to include intermarried spouses. If I call one of my congregants and her husband answers the phone, I want to be able to greet him by name. Mailings ought to acknowledge that Chris Smith exists. United Synagogue rules prohibit non-Jews as voting members. Why not allow people who want to affiliate themselves with our communities, who want to pay us membership dues, from being "affiliated members" without voting rights? It is time for us to name all the people in our community, even though some of them are not Jewish.

Life cycle events become increasingly challenging. We must find ways to allow non-Jews to participate meaningfully in their children's and grandchildren's significant moments of holiness. A non-Jewish parent is often integrally involved in the moral upbringing of his or her child and deserves recognition at a bris. Grandparents of other faiths can be role models deserving of notice at a bat mitzvah. While accepting an aliyah at the Torah is a statement of faith and inappropriate for a non-Jew, leading a responsive reading is a very different matter. Different synagogues need to find their own comfort level, while always striving to make non-Jews feel welcome within the limits of halachah, Jewish law.

Opening the doors to the non-Jews associated with our communities will encourage them to feel comfortable in our synagogues and greatly increase their comfort in raising Jewish children. It may even interest them in becoming Jewish. That choice can be offered but never forced. It is right to say that we are against intermarriage but in favor of marriage.

In the Conservative community, Keruv has come to mean outreach to non-Jews. The term originally meant to bring people who are far from Torah and observance closer to practice and God. It means to create welcoming, spiritually inspiring houses of worship. It's not enough to open our doors and allow the non-Jews to be called by name. We also have to create excitement and energy about the programs and events of our houses of worship so they will want to join.

Here are three key steps to implementing successful keruv programs in a synagogue:

"Ba'asher who sham." We tend to make all sorts of assumptions about our communities. Before we can begin to design programs, we need to know more. Where are intermarried families currently affiliating, if anywhere? What are the needs of the non-affiliated Jews in your area? How do they spend their time? What are they looking for? Further, in Isaiah's prophecy of the Messianic era, non-Jews stream toward Jerusalem and are even selected to become priests in the Temple. To be a light among the nations, our doors must be open for people to enter. As part of a keruv program, think about entry points into the shul. What programs or services bring people in? Do those programs prove engaging to new people? What happens to a new person when he or she walks in?
"Let us all be drawn close to Torah." Keruv begins at home. When our synagogues have good programs, spiritually engaging services, and good education for adults and children, then people start talking about our community. Friends tell their friends and people are drawn in. Keruv programs succeed in dynamic shuls and in some cases are the impetus for creating dynamic shuls. Further, keruv is all about education, because the more people know about Judaism the more they will love these traditions of holiness.
"You shall be Holy for I God am holy." Holiness means separate. Being Jewish is all about creating boundaries and withdrawing from an amoral world that surrounds us. Intermarrieds more often join Reform shuls because Reform rabbis marry them, but, many intermarrieds are looking for something for themselves or for their children. This means they are going to worry about the ritual involvement of their non-Jewish family at baby naming and bar and bat mitzvah services. What does your shul feel comfortable permitting? This also needs to be clarified, understanding that the choice of saying no limits but may be of value.

"God saw what had been made and it was good." Specific programs will vary in each community. Remember, intermarrieds and other new people are considering what they want and they are nervous. Therefore, points of entry must involve small commitments. Non-Jews must be allowed to learn about Judaism before they decide what their level of commitment will be. We ought to let families enroll their non-Jewish children in our religious schools in some of the early years so they may learn more. I am a great lover of Judaism. I firmly believe that the more people know of Judaism the more likely it will be that they will want to become Jewish.

"It is a tree of life to those who hold fast to it..." God has given us a beautiful and meaningful tradition, deeply rooted in holiness. In every generation there have been people who have struggled to preserve Torah against great odds and they always have succeeded because God has been with us. In this generation, too, by clinging to Torah and walking in God's ways, we will draw others close to Torah.

David Booth is the rabbi of Temple Beth Torah in Ocean, New Jersey. This article is based on his remarks to the United Synagogue Mid-Atlantic region's conference on keruv.