Joining the Tribe

Maya Berezovsky
University of Minnesota
Editor
KOACH-on-Campus

I met my non-Jewish fiancé two years ago. Weeks later, we had "the talk." I told him plainly that I could not marry a non-Jew. He nodded and said it would all work out fine. Now that I know him a bit better, I know that when he says things will work out, things will indeed work out. After knowing him for two weeks, however, I wasn’t so sure. I was the first (practicing) Jew he had met, and he did not know anything about Judaism besides that it was a religion to which he did not belong. But he promised it would be fine, so I took a chance and we started dating.

A few weeks from today, he will go before the Bet Din (court), which will judge whether he is ready to enter the brit (covenant) and become Jewish. If the three Conservative rabbis who make up the council deem him ready, he will enter the mikveh (ritual bath) and we will begin our lives as a Jewish couple.

Quite a lot has happened in the last two years. Two years is a lot to cover for a short article, so instead of a day-by-day account, I will outline a few issues we faced over the past 800 or so days.

A common response to, "My boyfriend is converting" has been, "That’s so nice of him!" or "Wow, you really took control!" or derivations of that. Those who don’t say it, often imply that I am so lucky my boyfriend would do me such a favor. His initial interest in Judaism was born out of our relationship. However, he says he fell in love with Judaism once he learned more about it and "tried it on." After I answer, "He is doing it for himself," I often get a nod that says, "Yeah, sure."

It is natural to assume that a non-Jewish partner converts to please a Jewish spouse and spouse’s parents. However, how can anyone fairly judge? Perhaps before my boyfriend looked me square in the eyes and promised me he wanted to be a Jew, I would have made a similar guess about a convert’s motivation. Having experienced this progression with him and witnessed him recite the blessings at my family’s Shabbat dinners, I know so well it is impossible to understand another person’s interest in a brand new religion. Therefore, it is important to trust the convert’s feelings are true.

Because my fiancé is not yet Jewish, he is technically still Methodist. However, since he has been attending Jewish services and holiday celebrations and studied Hebrew and Judaism in a yearlong Introduction to Judaism class, he does not consider himself spiritually Christian. Therefore, what is he? He and I jokingly say he is in "transition stage." Does this make him "religionless" for the time being?

I believe my fiancé entirely that he is converting for his own reasons and did not feel forced. However, experiencing the "transition stage" in a community that naturally fears the loss of a Jewish young person to intermarriage, is not the smoothest of major life transitions. As much as I love the Jewish community, it is small. And due to its minority status and efforts to continue after a long history of escaping oppression, it is not always simple for an outsider to enter and blend into the Jewish scene.

I must add that Noa has not felt uneasy with the process and has considered people to be inviting and kind. However, I have discussed the issue with countless Jews in the community and know that many Jews are strongly opposed to intermarriage. People seem happy that I am engaged to Noa. I believe they are happier because we will perpetuate the Jewish religion.

As a Jew who agrees, I understand.

[Posted 9/5/05]