Getting to Know You

Joe Roberts
University of Maryland

How many times do you have to have sex with a person to know them? How well do you have to know someone in order to have sex with them?

Modern trends could answer the latter question by saying "well, as long as the guy bought her a rose or a drink or gave her a ride in his car, they should be good to go." Of course, we won’t promote those ideas on this website, at least not until later in this essay. What I would like to address is the first question; how many times do you have to have sex with a person to really know them? According to the Torah, just once. After all, how many times do we see the phrase, worded one way or another, "he came to know her?" "Adam knew his wife Eve, and she conceived." (Gen. 4:1) The men of Sodom asked to see Lot’s visitors so that they "may know them." (Gen 19.5)

To be completely honest, the Torah is saying that as soon as a man lay with a woman, they knew each other, which is somewhat comforting. We hear too many stories these days of people waking up with someone they do not know.

Now I want to return to the second question; how well do you have to know someone in order to have sex with them? By the standards of Jewish tradition, two people should be married. By that same tradition, it is possible for a person to not meet their spouse until the day of the wedding. So, in contrast, you really don’t have to know them at all. And this is my point. Two people should only physically engage each other as much as they have spiritually engaged each other.

First, let me explain what I mean by "spiritually engaged." To me, this refers to how closely two people have pulled their lives together. This parallels the mystical idea that a man and a woman are not whole until they are united and have a child. This also means that they should have explored each other’s spirituality. For some, this means simply finding out if the other person is Jewish, Christian, Muslim… Democrat… Republican… Southern… Yankee... whatever a person may value. With this I agree. Two people should have some understanding of each other’s inner persons before exploring their outer body.

This blends beautifully with the Torah, because at the time these narratives took place, to know that someone was of the same faith and had a rich father was enough to permit a marriage and (after the marriage) sex. This is why we see the incident at Sodom as so horrible and the sex between Adam and Eve, the Patriarchs and their wives (keep in mind they had more than one!) and others in the Torah, as permissible. These people knew enough about each other to be comfortable "getting to know each other."

You have to know enough about a person before you can get to know them sexually. And the Torah makes these lessons clear. But this is where I will leave the Torah completely. I will not get into the argument of whether sex before marriage should be allowed, because that is not my concern. We have seen that many unmarried couples know each other better and are much more comfortable with each other than many married couples. What I am arguing is that sex should not take place without two people knowing each other well enough, and being comfortable with each other enough, to be in a spiritual connection.

If a person is not ready to connect with someone else on that level, then they should not have sex with them. Remember that if a child is conceived, the two people are permanently connected. This holds even with an abortion, because a non-living connection is still a connection, just like a breach of contract implies there is still a contract. The concern here is also not whether they are prepared to raise a child. That is for another essay. My concern is this: Are these two people ready to connect spiritually as well as physically? Conception is simply the physical fruition of this connection. Even if conception does not take place, that connection is still made. Even with the protection of a condom, you have a connection, just a slightly safer one.

For some, marriage is the only way they will feel ready for this connection. That is fine with me. For some, a nice evening and a few shared drinks is enough to be ready. Others may never feel ready. Every person will have a different set of requirements to feel ready. The important point is that a person must set for themselves some kind of requirement, and stick to it, in order to be true to themselves and to their prospective partner. Sex is not a bedroom-based way of saying "ready or not, here I come!" Because if a person does not feel they are ready to have sex with the other person, they should stick with dinner and a movie. Or perhaps a discussion of the Torah, but that’s just an idea.

[Posted 11/10/04]