Let the lights go out...

Smoking cigarettes was never an activity that I took part in, at least during high school anyway. All the smokers were labeled as deviant by us "good kids" and we often sneered as they stood outside after the 2 o'clock bell. Even on my first day of Nativ I remember looking at the smokers on my group in disdain, as we stood in line at Newark Airport watching their bags for them, while they were outside polluting themselves. Oh, how times changed...

It wasn't right away – I admit, it took me some time to acquire this habit – but before the year was over, I was a bona fide smoker.

About two weeks into my new habit, my Nativ group went on a public speaking type of seminar, in which we were required to write a speech of some kind. While many people spoke of the beauty of our homeland or the fear they felt towards returning to America for college, I chose a slightly less serious topic – my recent vice acquisition:

Perhaps my humor is what makes this piece so unsettling; but four years later, I can assure you – I wasn't able to survive on only cigs and soda, the buzz wore off, friends can be made without bad habits, and as much as I tried to justify it to myself time and time again, smoking was just a stupid thing that I did. Past tense!

I can remember so many times that smoking was my crutch. At my sorority house, very few sisters were smokers, but my two closest friends were big time chain-smokers. Whenever I had a serious issue to discuss with them, I could be casual and say "Hey, want to come outside for a smoke?" instead of saying "Hey, want to discuss how our relationship is in a rough area right now?" or a similar, more direct and more difficult sentiment. Please don't mistake this as a full-proof equation for linking smoking to insecurity; it was my own fault that I lacked the confidence to follow other routes. My thought is that I am not alone in this admission, however, and that truthfully, many smokers do not choose to smoke out of continued love for cigarettes nor even out of addiction, but out of ease and habit.

Over the summer, I started to realize that smoking wasn't working in my world. Gradually I started to cut down, from about a pack a day to about two a day. Within a few weeks I realized, I was basically reminding myself to have a smoke before <x, y, z activity> and I was always showering right after the cigarette was extinguished. One of my close friends quit smoking, and I had always thought that she was even a more hardcore smoker than I. My days as a Marlboro Woman were numbered.

That was three months ago. I'm now smoke-free. And time and time again, I realize that it wasn't just the health motivation, because as a college kid I feel this artificial safety, that nothing I do now could really affect me long-term. We all know that on a cognitive level this is absurd, but de vez un cuando I know we all feel it. My mother leaves me voice mail messages to tell me that she's proud of me for quitting. I'm saving a not-so-small fortune by eliminating a frequent purchase at the local kiosk. My sheets don't smell like an ashtray. My manicures don't get a yellow tint ten minutes after the polish is dry. And of course, it's much more fun to kiss without worrying about tasting like ashes.

If I can do it, so can you.

Audrey Shore

[Posted 10/27/02]