What a Tishrei It's Been!

Humor/Perspective

By Joel Chasnoff

Rosh Hashana has come and gone, Yom Stinky Breath and Tennis Shoes has passed, and Sukkos - one of the most important holidays in our calendar, for as the Good Book says, "Thou shalt not forget that time in your history when you used to dwell in trailer parks" (Leviticus 12, Chapter 4, Jackson 5) - is behind us. 5762 is only one month old, but already the year has been quite eventful. Following is a quick recap of the events of the past few weeks:

Osama bin-Laden declared that Monday, October 8 would be a worldwide "Day of Rage." However, nothing out of the ordinary occurred, most likely because bin-Laden failed to realize that October 8 was also Columbus Day. The UOATO (Union of Associated Terrorist Organizations, pronounced "you-oh-ah-toh") protested the scheduling of Day of Rage on Columbus Day and suggested instead that Day of Rage be moved to the following Monday, giving terrorists around the world two three-day weekends in a row. Such a move would also allow for special "Day of Rage Super Sales" at numerous Afghani and Iraqi carpet stores.

The United States imposed stricter security guidelines at airports across the country, including the following restrictions:

1. Curbside check-in is no longer allowed. This is expected to greatly cut down on the threat of future terror attacks, for, as we all know, all successful hijackings involve a crucial curbside check-in by the terrorists.

2. Checking in at the gate is no longer permitted. Instead, one must wait in line for three or more hours and check in at the desk. It is hoped that this three-hour wait in line will bore potential terrorists silly and lure them to go back to their hotels where cable-TV and a free continental breakfast await them.

3. Stricter guidelines for the hiring of security personnel have been put into place. The maximum age for baggage screeners was lowered from 110 to 95 years old. As well, security guards are now required to have completed at least one year of high school, doing away with the longstanding "Junior High Diploma" requirement that had been in effect until now.

Where's El Al when you need it?