Speaking of Torah...

Noam Sturmwind
University of Victoria

I was hanging out with some friends the other day and they were talking about something another friend of mine had done. According to them, my friend had done something really bad. I left feeling very unsettled. I wasn't sure whether to believe them or not and I wished I hadn't heard what they said. It would only hurt my friendship with this other person for no good reason. Was it right for me to hear what they told me? For them to say it? What if it was something that would affect me, something I might need to be aware of? Should my friends warn me then? The Torah has a lot to say about when it is appropriate to talk about someone and when it is not.

The Torah says that one should refrain from telling lies (Exodus 23:1,7). That's sensible: it's hurtful to slander and spread lies about people. But what if one spreads the truth? The Torah also says that you should not be a "talebearer among your people" (Leviticus 19:16) and "in righteousness shall you judge your neighbor" (Leviticus 19:15). So what exactly does this mean?

In the 1800s, the Hafetz Hayim (Rabbi Yisrael Meir Kagan) studied these and other related verses in the Torah and wrote a comprehensive set of guidelines on what's okay to say and what's not. In effect, it comes down to not causing harm. Here are a couple of the guidelines:

One should convey a warning if one thinks someone might get hurt. For example, if my friend is getting married and there is important information he is not aware of about his fiancée, the Hafetz Hayim advises a private discussion, speaking from first-hand knowledge (no rumours) and only telling as much as is necessary. In other words, I should warn my friend and minimize the harm to the person being talked about.

One should always give someone the benefit of the doubt (that's what is meant by judging in righteousness). In fact, one should do their best to avoid even hearing gossip and bad things about other people, since it can cause prejudice! That's sometimes hard to do, or hard to do politely (have you ever said to someone, "please don't tell me that?"). Still, I try to follow this guideline. I notice that when I hear something bad about someone it sticks in my mind. Then, when I'm interacting with that person, I stop enjoying myself when around them, or I begin to think negatively about them.

One shouldn't convey a derogatory image of someone, even if it's true, or say anything that could cause them physical, psychological, or financial harm. Even telling something embarrassing about someone in good humour can cause hurt, though one had no intention of harming. (I can still talk about people, just be careful of what I say.) It's fine to say "Did you hear that so-and-so just got her book accepted to be published!" or "My friend just got a new job at the grocery store but they're giving him a rough time of it," but not "So-and-so got completely drunk last night and passed out on my floor." This guideline can be really hard to follow, as sharing stories about people tends to be a large part of conversation. Not talking about people can take some of the fun out of the conversation. So why would I want to follow this guideline?

Last year I took a course on Mussar, a Jewish practice of spirituality and personal improvement. One of the exercises was to relate to ourselves and other people as neshamot, souls. I found this pretty nifty. It helped me to not marginalize or objectify people I didn't like or with whom I was upset. It's the same when it comes to telling stories about people. When I realize that I'm speaking of another soul, someone holy, I don't want to say anything bad or embarrassing.

So these are the basics of what Judaism has to say about speaking about others. It's not always easy to follow these teachings; it's not always popular. But in trying to follow them, I relate to the people in my life in a respectful, responsible and holy way. And I feel good about myself.

So here's my question for you: What would the world be like if everyone was careful about what they said? Try following these guidelines for a day, and see what difference it makes for you.

Noam Sturmwind is from Victoria, British Columbia, in Canada. He is currently studying mathematics at the University of Victoria. Noam is quite active in the Jewish Students Association. This past November, he organized an inter-denominational Jewish Community Indoor Picnic. Noam is a member of a Conservative shul where he helps lead services. He loves reading, Scottish Country Dance (and any other sort of dance, but that's his favorite), and singing.