USCJ Review - Fall 2002
Kaddish: An Opportunity to Comfort
"Nothing will fill the hole my Dad's absence has left in my world. No prayer has provided me with the guidance or answers that he was so brilliant at doing. But what the kaddish gave me was sacred time to be a mourner. Not just for seven days of shivah; or those first few weeks when people were giving me their condolences. But every day for a year. I stood up in a room, embraced by community, and identified myself as someone in mourning, which was exactly how I felt."
These words --- written by a young woman who had just completed a year of mourning -- reflect the significant effect of the kaddish, and of the kaddish minyan, on her life. Indeed, many who have recited the kaddish for a parent, or for a relative for whom saying kaddish is required by Jewish law, acknowledge that the kaddish is a gift to them, not just to the people for whom the prayer is recited.
Most people do not know very much about this meaningful prayer or about the structure in which it is to be said. Perhaps they have seen only the example of their parents saying kaddish and feel compelled to pay the same honor to their parents.
In response to the many questions I received on the kaddish over the years, I shaped a series of three adult education programs at Adat Shalom Synagogue in Farmington Hills, Michigan. The first and third sessions focused on the history and rational elements of the kaddish, as well as on its mystical elements. Sandwiched between was a session on individual stories told by members of the congregation who were in their year of mourning.
Program panelists included a couple who were saying kaddish for their daughter, a magnificent young woman who lived only seventeen years but who has left an unusually rich legacy. In her "Make A Wish" project, she prepared and appeared in a public service announcement on how young people with cancer like to be treated. This "infomercial" is broadcast nationally. Two other panelists were saying kaddish for a husband and for a father, respectively. Though only one of the four was obliged to say kaddish for eleven months, they all decided to say the prayer for that period of time.
In each of the personal reminiscences, there was at least one deep psychological insight. For one panelist, saying kaddish was "a means of honoring our daughter and gaining comfort, but, most of all, reaffirming my faith in God. It is my faith that has given me strength these past two years. If it were not for my faith in God, I would never have been able to handle this tragedy." When he said the kaddish, he was at peace. "I feel as if I am a tallit and I am wrapping myself around her, giving her comfort. In reality, I know that she is the one that is giving me comfort."
Commenting on the kaddish minyan, another panelist referred to her new "club." "I am a member of a very precious club that I did not choose. My comrades have all been wounded. They acknowledge me with a sweet smile. They understand how fragile life is. They understand my pain as I do theirs. They comfort me as the words of the kaddish do. I am at peace."
A bereaved widow wrote, "When I recite the kaddish, I think of my husband. I feel that this is something that I can do for him, for me and for us. Starting my day here gives me purpose."
The fourth panelist reflected on the effect on him of the approaching completion of saying kaddish for eleven months for his father. "The kaddish experience acted not only as a healing exercise but a strengthening bond between me, my grandfather, and those who preceded them."
In my 30 years as a congregational rabbi, I had never before experienced the emotion generated from that panel, not only from the speakers but from the audience as well. On the day after the presentation, some congregants made contributions to the synagogue in appreciation of this program. Others wrote unsolicited remembrances of their own experience of saying kaddish for a dear one. Even now, many months later, I continue to receive such remembrances. This emotional outpouring, coupled with my recognition of the need for people to understand the context of the kaddish prayer, led to the development of The Kaddish Minyan: The Impact on Ten Lives, a small volume of personal experiences which I subsequently compiled and edited.
People continually talk to me about their personal journeys during the months of their obligatory period for saying kaddish. Recently, I received two essays written in different parts of the country, both of which included a theme I had not previously considered. Both writers -- one on the West Coast and one in the Midwest -- wrote that saying kaddish in a minyan for the full eleven months was the first posthumous gift given to each of them by the parent for whom kaddish was being recited.
Telling the story of one's journey during and after saying kaddish for a deceased relative can also benefit one's synagogue, since fellow congregants who read about the experiences will be able to relate emotionally to the "storytellers" as they report on their travels along the road from mourning to wholeness. Our synagogues can apply this model -- one member telling another his or her story -- to many different aspects of Jewish life, whether life-cycle events or the paths that have brought individuals to live in a better place. Shared stories can heal, whether the subject of the story is adoption, illness or surviving trauma.
Jason Miller, a rabbinic intern at Congregation Agudath Israel in Caldwell, New Jersey, has used the personal stories in my volume to help people who have experienced the loss of a spouse. Other synagogues have focused on the kaddish minyan as a tool to help congregants heal after experiencing a trauma or a loss of some kind. Rabbi Gerald Zelizer of Neve Shalom in Metuchen, New Jersey, has pointed out the importance of teaching Jews to understand the larger meaning of the kaddish ritual. According to Rabbi Zelizer, Neve Shalom congregants who read my volume during shivah learned more about the meaning of kaddish and were motivated to recite it 'al pi halakhah'."
The kaddish prayer and the kaddish minyan have helped many Conservative Jews deal with their loss and move towards healing. Programs that highlight the stories of congregants who say the kaddish faithfully can help to provide strength, guidance, and nurturing to others in the congregation.
Herbert A. Yoskowitz is a Rabbi of Adat Shalom Synagogue in Farmington Hills, Michigan. For more information about "The Kaddish Minyan: The Impact on Ten Lives", contact Eakin Press, 1-800 - 880-8642; www.eakinpress.com, or visit your local bookstore.
