USCJ Review - Fall 2006
It's Never Too Late - Adult B'nai Mitzvah Classes Thrive
Adult b'nai mitzvah are not a new phenomenon; they have been celebrated in Conservative synagogues since the early 1970s. For a while it seemed that it would be a short-lived trend, geared to men who did not have the opportunity to celebrate becoming bar mitzvah when they turned 13 and women who were not allowed that opportunity at any age. As demographics changed, according to the conventional wisdom, there would be less and less call for an adult bar or bat mitzvah.
But adult b'nai mitzvah did not fade away. In fact, they are common in Conservative synagogues across the continent.
There are many reasons why adults choose to become b'nai mitzvah. Although each story is unique and personal, there seem to be some movement-wide trends as well. None of the men interviewed for this story were born Jewish; none of them had the chance to become bar mitzvah at 13. The women's stories are more varied. Some of them, according to Rabbi Stewart Vogel of Temple Aliyah of Woodland Hills, California, did not have the chance to become bat mitzvah at 12 or 13; some are choosing a second bat mitzvah because they could not read from the Torah at their first one, or because it was meaningless to them, and some are Jews by choice. "I believe that everyone comes to a place in life at a time for a reason," said Rabbi Vogel. He asks every class as it begins the two-year program: "Why now in your life?"
Here are some of the answers.
Olga Thilgen of Temple Aliyah became a bat mitzvah in her 70s. In fact, she officially became a Jew in her 70s. Born in Mexico City to a Catholic family, Olga never felt comfortable as a Catholic. "The priests never answered my questions," she said. As a child, she loved reading the Bible -- the Old Testament, as she called it then, not the New Testament. "I always felt that I should be able to go to God directly," she said. "Why should I go around to saints or confess to a human being?" When she got older, she began to study about Judaism on her own. She now believes that her attraction to Judaism might have been almost genetic; many of her family's customs and traditions, she now believes, came from Jewish roots. She thinks that her family might have been Conversos. "The signs of Judaism were in my life; customs in my family like Friday night dinners were different," she said.
Olga walked into Temple Aliyah on Yom Kippur in 1983. She's not sure what compelled her to enter, but once she was there she knew instantly that the synagogue was where she belonged. "I can't explain it but my soul was elevated. I never felt this way before," she said. "From then on, I went to temple."
After attending synagogue for many years, participating fully and always feeling Jewish, Olga asked a fellow congregant how she could arrange to be buried in a Jewish cemetery. She didn't know that she would have to convert formally in order for that to be possible. Olga approached Rabbi Vogel and told him that she wasn't Jewish, at least not officially. "I felt in my heart that I was a Jew," she said. "He didn't know that I wasn't Jewish. He told me to convert before Yom Kippur; I consider that the greatest festival in Judaism because you really go to God yourself."
So Olga studied with the rabbi, converted, and became a bat mitzvah just a few weeks later. That was four years ago. "When I was called to the Torah, I said 'God, here I am; inspire me' -- and I did a pretty good job."
Other people's stories are just as compelling.
"When my mother died of a brain tumor in June 2002, I couldn't say kaddish," said Ina Singer, 59, who became a bat mitzvah at Chizuk Amuno Congregation in Baltimore in August 2004.
"I didn't know enough; I was a cultural Jew," she continued. "I grew up in an Orthodox home and my father did not find it acceptable in the 1950s for a girl to have a bat mitzvah." She wanted to join her synagogue's adult b'nai mitzvah program for a long time but she couldn't find the time until her children were grown and she retired. "I always wanted to but I was a working mom," she said. Ina sent her children to day school so they could get a good Jewish education. Now it was her turn.
Tom Dudley of Owing Mills, Maryland, 42, converted to Judaism when he was about 20. Later, he married a Jewish woman and wanted to continue studying, "but life happened," he said. "When my son had his bar mitzvah and I wasn't able to read from the Torah, I felt that I missed a great opportunity." He decided that he would be able to layn Torah by the time his daughter becomes a bat mitzvah in May 2007. "I want to share wholly in her celebration," he said.
Tom became a bar mitzvah, part of a class of eight, on Sukkot at Beth Israel Congregation in Owings Mills, Maryland. "Now that I read Hebrew I can follow the service and be comfortable; before that I had to use transliterations," he said. "Having an adult bar mitzvah gave me a better sense of belonging."
Roy Chestnut said that he grew up outside any organized religion, "My father was a physicist and an atheist and I had no religious upbringing. I married a Jewish woman and never planned on converting. But we wanted our children to learn about Jewish culture so we joined Temple Aliyah. The synagogue was inviting and intellectually stimulating." When he was in his 40s, after belonging to the synagogue for five years, Roy converted. He decided to become part of the adult b'nai mitzvah program after his son become a bar mitzvah. "I was a well-educated person and I should be able to do more ritually, like read from the Torah," he said. "I wanted to deepen my understanding of Judaism." People who are not well educated Jewishly, hebelieves, cannot truly live in the Jewish world, and "living in a Jewish world is a healthier, better place to live."
A group of six women from Temple Beth El of Bellmore in North Bellmore, New York, are just beginning their own b'not mitzvah journey. Ranging in age from their early 40s to their early 50s, what they all have in common is a strong desire to learn and to belong. Many have wanted to do this for years but childrearing and careers came first. "I didn't have time until now," said Sue Zwick, who at 53 is the oldest member of the group.
"I took a class to learn Hebrew a long time ago but I wanted to learn the songs and about the holidays and traditions," said Sherri Checkla, 43. "Anyone can just learn to read."
Sherri was brought up in a Conservative synagogue, and her two brothers went to Hebrew school and became b'nai mitzvah there. Many girls her age were going to Hebrew school and becoming b'not mitzvah, but she did not. "I was the last child; by the time they got to me, my parents said enough already," she said. "But I missed out on something."
Diana Berkowitz said, "I was interested as a child but my parents were secular and I didn't know anything." After her son's bar mitzvah she decided it was time for her to learn.
Lynn Drucker's parents didn't think that there was any reason for girls to become b'not mitzvah. "I got braces instead," she said. Lynn wanted to learn more after being inspired by her synagogue and by her sons.
"I took Hebrew in college," said Annette Myones, 45, adding that it had not seemed important for a girl to become bat mitzvah when shewas growing up. Her family encouraged her to join the adult b'not mitzvah class. "I feel that I am completing something," she said. "I want to do this."
Temple Beth El is a traditional nonegalitarian synagogue. The women will read the haftarah but not the blessings and they will not read Torah; they will give d'vrai Torah and do as much as their rabbi, Harvey Goldschneider, considers halachically acceptable.
Some of the women want to do more. "We would like to read Torah," said Shari Nadelson, who had a yeshiva education and already knows how to read Hebrew. "I don't know why we can't." Shari choose to join the group in order to reconnect with what she learned in school but having a bat mitzvah means much more to her than just learning Hebrew.
"We consider ourselves feminists," Lynn said. "But there are other reasons to stay in a synagogue. Being here is more important than being able to read Torah."
Class sizes vary from synagogue to synagogue and from year to year. Participants' ages range widely, with some in their 20s and others in their 80s.
Adult b'nai mitzvah programs generally last for two years. The curriculum usually includes learning to read basic Hebrew, developing some comfort with the siddur, exploring Jewish holidays and life-cycle events, and studying both Torah and haftarah trope. Beth Israel's program is somewhat different, according to its rabbi, Jay Goldstein. There, besides getting the basic concepts in class, b'nai mitzvah students have to accumulate 30 hours of study in different disciplines, including history, literature, Jewish texts, and philosophy or theology. They can attend a lecture at Baltimore Hebrew University or study either at the Adult Institute, a cooperative learning center in Baltimore, or at the synagogue. The students get to share what they learned in class with each other. In addition, they must take a beginner or intermediate Hebrew class the first year. In the second year, when they learn trope, they work intensively with the cantor.
Some classes celebrate their b'nai mitzvah on Sukkot, some on Shavuot, some at other times of the year. Larger classes sometimes hold their services on consecutive Shabbats so everyone can layn Torah.
What all adult b'nai mitzvah classes have in common are the bonds the students develop with each other. They support each other, they cheer each other on, and long after it ends many continue the relationships they formed in class. "Our class of eight became very close," said Tom. "After our b'nai mitzvah we set a goal of reading Torah together on a steady basis."
Ina's class of 13 women began as a group of acquaintances, women of different ages, jobs, and levels of education. What evolved over the two-year program was a sisterhood. "We bonded. We love each other and we celebrated life cycle passages, both happy and sad, together," Ina said. "We were so supportive of each other."
This group did not want to stop meeting and gets together every month to study. Members are now reading Praise Her Works: Conversations with Biblical Women, edited by Penina Adelman. But what's even more important, Ina said, is that they catch up with each other, sharing news of their families.
An adult bar or bat mitzvah is a life-altering experience for many. Rodney Blockston, 28, from Owings Mills, Maryland, converted to Judaism two years before his bar mitzvah. "I wasn't brought up in any religion but when I married my wife, who is Jewish, I started going to shul with her. It made sense to follow that path and have one religion in the household," he said.
Rodney became a bar mitzvah two years ago at Beth Israel. He was in the same class as Tom Dudley; Rodney was the youngest person in the class. "Having a bar mitzvah meant more to me than converting," Rodney said. "It was an affirmation of my commitment to the religion and my Jewish community."
He continues to read Torah, attends morning minyanim, and has joined his synagogue's men's club.
All of these adult b'nai mitzvah report that they now feel more spiritually connected to their synagogues and to Judaism than they had before their studies began. They continue to attend synagogue, to study, and to grow. They have increased their levels of ritual observance and have become much more active in their synagogues. Having become bar or bat mitzvah, they feel complete.
