Helping Young Children Grow into Responsible Adults
In this age of intense concern for children’s self esteem and self concept, some parents have allowed the pendulum to swing a little too far towards self-indulgence, thus facilitating a dependence upon us as parents in our children. Yes, it is extremely important that our children feel safe and secure so that they will attempt things that are beyond their comfort zone. But it is equally important for our children to learn that during these attempts, and in the course of daily life, things will not always go their way and they need to have coping skills to handle these situations. In other words, it is often in the best interest of our children to allow the natural consequences of their actions to occur, so long as their safety is not in danger, especially in their school life. Only through natural consequences can a child grow into a responsible adult.
The ability to manage young children’s behavior in a positive manner is challenging and complex. One of the most difficult challenges faced by parents and educators is to guide our children into making their own good choices – as opposed to making all of these “choices” for them. Children require a patient and nurturing care giver who understands the capability of children at various ages and who is also aware that normal young children are naturally curious, impulsive and energetic! This parent or educator also needs to recognize that the main goals of positive behavior management are to assist children in developing responsibility, to learn and develop self-control skills and to take responsibility for their own behavior. (I’m sure we all know some adults who could benefit from these lessons as well)!
So the next time ten-year-old Jacob forgets his lunch or his kippah on his way to school, allow him to eat the bagel or snack provided by the school, or wear the borrowed kippah at school, even if it is not his favorite, and remind him that he needs to remember his lunch and his kippah each day. And, the next time six-year-old Sofia complains that she is cold in the restaurant, despite your reminders to bring in her sweater from the car, allow her to be cold and remind her to bring in her sweater in the future.
Of course, health and safety is always a parent (and teacher’s) primary concern; certainly we chase atoddler that runs in the street to ensure his safety. Yet, when we are able to allow a natural consequence to occur that will not be harmful to a child’s safety or too upsetting to a child emotionally, we are actually doing a service for that child. Things will not always go our way and we need to have the skills to handle and cope with the situation; perhaps, most importantly, to learn from it and improve for the future. So, when your child goes hungry at lunch for having forgotten his lunch, he is learning that he can be resourceful and talk to an adult at school who may be able to provide him with a lunch, he can talk with friends and try to appropriately share a lunch, and he can survive – he will not starve at missing one meal. Most importantly, he will now try harder to remember his lunch in the future! When we allow these natural consequences to occur, we are able to utilize one of the best teaching methods there is: experience. We are also teaching life!
