Encouraging Our Children
Back in June, when schools and yearly programs were closing for the summer, we read the parasha of Shlakh L'kha. That Shabbat marked a special anniversary of our son’s bar mitzvah years before, and it also was the weekend of his secular birthday. Shlakh L'kha has many elements to it, but most importantly it tells the story of Moses sending representatives of the twelve tribes into the land of Canaan to scout out the indigenous people, the terrain and the vegetation. On their return, ten of the scouts reported that the land and its inhabitants would present problems for a future conquest. Hearing this, the people were dismayed and frightened. Two of the scouts, however, saw a different vision and made a positive report. If no one had given an encouraging description of the land, the eventual entry into Canaan, and our history as a people, might not have happened.
The day after reading this dramatic parasha, my husband and I rose early to arrive at the South Street Seaport in New York City before 5 AM. Our son had walked overnight with thousands of people who were personal survivors, friends or relatives of victims of depression. The event, aptly named “Out of the Darkness,” raised a sizable amount of money for education about emotional illness and for suicide prevention programs. Like the people of Israel standing in the desert after the report of the ten spies, those who are depressed see only the negative in their lives. The positive aspects of living and surviving may not be strong enough for them to move beyond their loss of hope for the future. Watching the walkers arrive at the pier as daylight was beginning to break, was truly an emotional experience. These individuals used their mental health history, or their overcoming the grief of losing a loved one to suicide, as motivation to reach out to unknown others.
We tend to believe that young children are incapable of becoming depressed. Children are innately naïve, happy and optimistic. But not all children are capable of handling even the small stresses of everyday life. And some live with physical or emotional difficulties that impact on their ability and strength to view life as good. As adults, we try to hide our own problems from our children,but they ofteninstinctively cue in on our emotions. Although they may not be able to understand the circumstances or articulate what they sense, children often react to situations such as illness or tension in the home. If they cannot talk about what is bothering them, they might internalize the affect by withdrawal, unexplained anger or spontaneous crying. Over the years of working with young children and their families, I remember several instances of teachers recognizing signs of emotional stress within a child, even though the parents denied both seeing such behavior as well as anything unusual happening at home. Over time, however, we would eventually learn about one of parents experiencing serious illness, or of an impending divorce, or a mother unable to cope while her husband traveled for business. The child, meanwhile, had absorbed the tension within the home and was an unseen victim.
As parents and educators, we are constantly looking out for the welfare of the children under our care. We try to keep them safe and healthy, but outward care alone does not shield children from the emotional assaults of everyday life. It is necessary to look for the signs of distress that can lead to lifelong emotional problems. Some children are born hardwired to take the world too seriously. Our best efforts may never be enough for them. But they are the exception and, fortunately, a small minority. Working together as a team, parents and teachers, sometimes with the extra help of mental health facilitators, are the best allies a child has in learning to accept the bumps in the road of life and coping with the disappointments and momentary sadness that we all face at some time.
At the end of the parasha of Shlakh L'kha, we read a paragraph that eventually was incorporated into the siddur as part of the Shema. In this paragraph, we are told to make fringes on our garments (tzitzit) to remind us to observe the commandments. Stretching this concept a bit, all of us need to remember to look at those around us daily to see how they are doing, to be aware of the signs of difficulty and to keep them in touch with their optimistic side.
By remembering that life is composed of negative and positive reports, we can strive to accent the positive and move constantly toward the light. May this new year ahead help us to create positive experiences that our children will remember years from now when they need to reach into themselves for strength and for choosing life.
Jane Geller Epstein is a retired early childhood educator and administrator.
