Converts Mourning the Death of Close Relatives

by Rabbi Joel E. Rembaum, 1998; Edited by Rabbi Robert Binder

Question (Sh’eilah)

How should converts to Judaism mourn the death of close relatives who are not Jewish?

Answer (Teshuvah)

In recent years, Jewish communities have welcomed into their midst ever-increasing numbers of converts to Judaism – a trend that will probably continue for the foreseeable future. Among the halakhic issues that arise as a result of the increased rate of conversion are questions that affect the relationship between a Jew-by-choice and his or her own natural, non-Jewish family. In earlier centuries, this matter was at best marginal, as the Jewish community was isolated from the non-Jewish world. Conversion usually entailed radical separation from the non-Jewish family, and there were many instances where converts had to flee their home environments for fear of retribution by the local non-Jewish authorities.

As uncommon as they were, relationships between converts and their non-Jewish families have been discussed in halakhic sources for many centuries. According to Talmudic tradition, “a proselyte who converted is like a new-born infant” [Yevamot 22a], implying that all links to the natural parents have been severed. Nevertheless, the biological link is recognized in order to avoid the possibility of permitting incestuous relations between converts and their non-Jewish relatives, on the principle that “it should not be said of the converts that they come from a higher degree of sanctity to a lesser degree of sanctity” -- we should not permit a relationship that would have been forbidden to them as non-Jews. Examples include not only the obvious, a brother marrying a sister, but also the status of children born before the conversion and the right of inheritance of a firstborn son. Similarly, although a convert is not obligated to fulfill the commandment to honor non-Jewish parents, the overwhelming majority of halakhic authorities who deal with this issue expects converts to show respect for their natural parents, according to the concept of hakarat tovah, “recognizing goodness” that the parents have shown to the child. In these instances, the convert-parent relationship is viewed as still viable.

How then should converts mourn the death of close relatives who are not Jewish? Although officially there is no obligation, the principle of higher and lower degrees of sanctity would dictate that the convert should recite Kaddishfor the deceased – a practice recommended by the late Rabbi Isaac Klein (Responsa and Halakhic Studies, 1975) and noted as appropriate by Rabbi Ovadiah Yosef (Sefer Sh’eilot U-t’shuvot Yehaveh Da’at, 1983).

In terms of the broader issue of Jewish mourning for non-Jewish parents, Rabbi Maurice Lamm emphasizes that “the mourning practices should be Jewish observances and decidedly not those of the convert’s former religion… The convert may serve as pallbearer, bury the dead at the cemetery, fill in the grave, and observe the seven-day (shiva) and thirty-day (sheloshim) periods… If the convert mourner wishes to recite Kaddish, he should be encouraged to do so… (Becoming a Jew, 1991.)