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Don't Worry, Be Happy Already!

There are certainly enough reasons to consume our lives with worry. Parents don't meet our needs fully; children don't quite live up to our expectations. Spouses are all too human.

Beyond these disappointments loom life's larger issues: aging, fears of separation and mortality, the devastation of our environment, the threat of nuclear war. Our inner cities are unsafe; our economy threatens to crumble from within. And on, and on. How, in the midst of all these struggles and disappointments, are we to live? Isn't the rational position one of unrelenting gloom?

Many scholars and philosophers, struck by the apparent pointlessness of life, counsel an emotional withdrawal from the passions of life for precisely that reason. Nothing will change; nothing will improve. We live and we die, without hope of any real breakthrough in human understanding or harmony. Maybe, then, despair is the most rational attitude to cultivate? Perhaps it is. But people are never strictly rational, and life is far too variegated to fit any single approach.

For the religious at heart, life is a constant marvel. Without having asked to live, without doing anything to deserve the gift of life, companionship, joy, we are regularly given these gifts in an abundance that is staggering. Religion helps restore our thanks for everything we receive so effortlessly. Serving God implies an attitude of gratitude, a response of joy to the many wonders of living.

The Torah often conveys the centrality of rejoicing when it instructs us to "rejoice before the Lord your God." Judaism has consistently recognized an attitude of joy to be a pious response to God's abundant love. As the prophet Joel exclaimed, "Rejoice and be glad, for the Lord has done great things."

To look at the world and see those great deeds requires eyes trained to appreciate. Rather than taking the obvious beauty of a sunny day for granted, rather than ignoring the sharp tingle of pain, or the salty air of a sea breeze, our tradition bids us to cultivate awareness, and beyond awareness, a thrill of being alive. Our tradition recognizes that smelling the roses can be a religious act. Far from encouraging a withdrawal from the pleasure of the world, Judaism insists, "one who has seen something pleasant and has not enjoyed it will be held responsible." To reject a legitimate pleasure is to diminish the extent to which we truly live, to reject God's most fundamental gift.

Enjoying life is a way to say "thank you." And in the midst of enjoying the pleasures of living, Judaism bids us to remember those who cannot rejoice without our help. In the words of the Rambam (12th Century Spain and Egypt), "the Torah sensitizes us to assure the joy of the powerless, the poor, and the stranger." True joy reaches beyond the narrow boundaries of the self and embraces our fellows as well.

Joy cultivates fellowship: with our families, our community, our people, and with God. It is a great mitzvah to be happy.

Rabbi Bradley Shavit Artson is the Dean of the Ziegler School of Rabbinic Studies and Vice President of the American Academy (formerly the University of Judaism).

Taken from "Family Rhymes for Jewish Times: Children's Poems for Shabbat, Holidays and Everyday" by Shoshana Silberman and illustrated by Karen Ostrove. Available from United Synagogue's book service. $14.95 plus shipping.

From Generation to Generation

How do we impress upon our children that who we are and what we do as Jews sets us apart from the rest of the world? In so many ways, we are culturally assimilated. With the wider world, we share the same tastes and sounds.

With more women than ever out of the home and in the workplace, young children today spend years under the guidance of caregivers who might not be Jewish. Grandparents and other relatives may not be nearby to lend a sense of family history and continuity. Instead, neighbors, schools and youth programs become the surrogate “family” for young children. In most cases, these individuals and institutions do not reflect Jewish life. In the face of these realities, how do we connect our children with their Jewish heritage, historical and familial?

Creating a home with Jewish symbols, Jewish calendar celebrations and other concrete reminders such as keeping kosher and reciting prayers or blessings, berakhot at such times as before and after meals and at bedtime, are just a few steps that parents can take to ensure a Jewish home. The celebration of various milestones can bring family and friends together as community. Brit milah (circumcision), baby namings, simhat bat for newborn girls, and eventually bar and bat mitzvahceremonies are all special times that express connections to our Jewish heritage.

As children grow, other milestones can be incorporated within a Jewish context. The beginning of their Jewish education presents a good opportunity. In the European heder, a young child was given a slate board coated with honey, signifying the sweetness of learning Torah. Most children today, whether in a synagogue school or a day school, start their studies as children would in any other educational setting. How wonderful it would be if the first day of a child’s religious education were to be marked as a special lifetime event in one’s Jewish life. Even though schools today may not begin the first day with a party, perhaps at home families could make sure that there is a sweet treat at dinnertime in honor of the event. Another milestone for more traditional families is waiting until a boy is three years old before cutting his hair for the first time. This celebration, known as an upsherin, has various interpretations. Extending back to earlier Jewish communities in Europe, some associated it with children starting their Jewish education at the age of three. My grandson was scheduled for such a first clipping of his beautiful blond curls. The dilemma was how not to ignore his twin sister under the circumstances. This was resolved by taking just a few public clips of his hair and presenting him with a kippah while giving his sister a small Magen David (star of David) necklace. In the end, she was much happier than he was – she received her prize without needing to submit to a haircut. The upsherin, took place during their third birthday party – the first with more than just parents and grandparents present– combined today's modern birthday celebration with a traditionally Jewish life marker.

If our goal is to engage our children in Jewish life events, then finding times and ceremonies to celebrate their Jewishness is even more urgent than in previous generations. Children need to see, touch, feel and savor their Jewish identities. Young children are concrete. Giving them the feel of making hallah, the smell of baking and then tasting it, leaves a lasting impression. Dipping apples in honey and reciting the berakhah, blessing, for eating fruit is a tangible reminder of Rosh Hashanah, just as other unique foods represent our various holidays. Lest we minimize the effect that these and other symbolic moments can have on us, just think about the nostalgia that is incorporated into so many television ads. What was fun or significant for us as children sells. Investing our time, today, will hopefully reap rewards years from now when our children become parents and grandparents – the Jewish role-models of the future.

Jane Geller Epstein is a retired early childhood educator and administrator.

Young Children and Bikur Holim or Capitalizing on Natural Compassion

It’s going around. Children get sick all the time, but the winter brings down even the strongest adults as well. As a Mom, I rarely get sick. Really, who has the time? But recently, I got it – that really bad cold going around. And one morning, in-between coughing and blowing my nose, I went to wake my three-year-old for school. Before she even opened her eyes, she asked, “Mommy, are you feeling better?” Children have an inborn sense of compassion. Studies have even shown that infants express concern when they hear other babies crying. This makes children excellent candidates for the mitzvah of visiting the sick, bikur holim (bee-kure ho-leem).

We learn that this mitzvah comes from God. In Genesis (17:26-18:1) we read, “Thus Abraham and his son Ishmael were circumcised on that very day, and all his household; his homeborn slaves and those that had been bought from outsiders, were circumcised with him. The Lord appeared to him by the terebinths [small Mediterranean trees] of Mamre; he [Abraham] was sitting at the entrance of the tent as the day grew hot.” It is said that the third day after circumcision is the most painful. The Rabbis say that God visited Abraham on this day, and that God is establishing the model for bikur holim (Sotah 14a). We can imagine what God said or did with Abraham on this visit. Maybe God brought him some Tylenol or a cool bath for his feet. And then we can model our behavior after God’s – visiting friends who are sick and tending to their needs.

In the Talmud, we learn, “One who visits removes one sixtieth of the patient’s illness.” (Nedarim 39b) This attributes great power to the mitzvah of bikur holim. How could this be true? Do you believe that receiving a visit actually can make someone who is sick or injured better? Think back to a time when you were sick or injured. Remember how a good visitor took your mind off the pain or discomfort for just a little while. How a card or email from someone wishing you to feel better reminded you that you are loved, and that people around you care.

Young children are very capable of doing the mitzvah of bikur holim. The Talmud is clear on this point: “Bikur holim has no boundaries or limits, i.e., youth may visit the elderly and the elderly may visit the youth” (Nedarim 39a). There are many ways to involve children. In school, the class can call an absent child on the phone, or make and send cards in the mail. With your child at home, you can make cards or cookies to send to people who are far away or too contagious to actually visit. Children are a blessing on visits to a nursing home, providing smiles and lots of adorable antics. I know parents who make it part of their bedtime ritual to say a mi sheberakh (blessing for healing) for those people they know who are sick. This helps children to be aware ofthe welfare of people all around them and to maintain their innate compassion. Habits begun in early childhood continue throughout life. And someday, when we find ourselves in that same nursing home we visited with our children, we will be glad our children have strong habits of bikur holim.

Maxine Segal Handelman is USCJ Consultant for Early Childhood Education.

Online Safety for Young Children, Part 2

When our friend, Mike, found his eight-year-old son cruising the internet, looking at pornography, he didn’t know what to do. “As a parent, it was disturbing,” he says. “I wasn’t sure how to deal with it.”

Mike had started developing a close and supportive relationship when his son was a baby and a toddler. He was therefore able to talk with him about the incident when it occurred. Experts tell us that building an open and honest relationship with your child is one of the key steps toward online safety. They add that parents should be talking to very young children about staying safe online before they are even old enough to manipulate a mouse.

Marsali Hancock, head of iKeepsafe (www.iKeepsafe.org), a project of the Internet Keep Safe Coalition, recommends teaching very young children about the “Three Keeps”:

These are guidelines that even the very youngest children can begin to learn. “It’s critical that parents check on what their children are doing online,” says Hancock. “And the children should understand that Mom and Dad are going to monitor their online activities.”

It’s understandable that young children are curious. Mike realized that parents don’t live in their children’s world. “Their world is about graphics, visual images everywhere and his son was just inquisitive.” Mike and his wife told their son that they understood his curiosity, but that they felt it was too stimulating for him at this time in his life. And they let him know that lying about his age to access the site was wrong, too.

Another expert on online child safety matters, Jeff Schmidt, CEO of an identity and authentication service provider says, “It’s never too early to start planting the seeds of safety in the online world.” He recommends incorporating the online world into “stranger-danger” lessons and insuring that parents are as technologically savvy as their children are or will become. “You can’t keep childrenaway from computers or the Internet, because they will need those skills to navigate the world in which we live, but you can set reasonable limits and guidelines, then stick to them.”

Remember when you thought that your mother had eyes in the back of her head? That’s old technology. You need an update to keep up with the digital world in which your children are growing up. It’s no longer a matter of keeping the kids away from R-rated movies; pornography is a mouse click away. Even more disturbing, are those who prey on youngsters for sex.

iKeepsafe (www.iKeepsafe.org) – a coalition of state governors and/or first spouses, crime prevention organizations, law enforcement agencies, foundations and corporate sponsors. The organization provides resources for parents, children and educators. The web site includes games and other activities for kids, as well as access to materials and information for parents and teachers. The organization also sponsors the “Faux Paw” internet safety programs for schools.

Wired Kids (www.wiredkids.com and www.wiredkids.org) – a global charity that seeks to increase awareness of internet related child sex trafficking, as well as associated sexual crimes against children. Its work involves prevention and investigation of cybercrimes and abuses, while the Wired-Ed online education programs are offered free to parents, children, schools and senior citizens. Wiredkids.org features online safety games for younger children and an internet safety video for families is available.

In addition, it is critical for parents to continue to reinforce their children’s sense of self-esteem. Self-respect is just as important as respect for others – it’s all a part of the concept that each of us is created in God’s image. Here are book suggestions to read and discuss with small children. Reading together and taking the time to talk, showing your children that you not only value their opinions, but that you value the time you spend with them goes a long way toward building self-respect, as well as an open and honest relationship:

Covenant In The Family Way

Peering into a one-way mirror, the therapist observes an intense and violent family therapy session. The father is filled with unresolved anger from his own childhood, bereft as it was of paternal respect and love. He is consumed with terrible guilt from the death of his former wife, a loss he still mourns. In compensation, he indulges his favorite child, the somewhat insufferable product of that original love. His present wife rages over the emotional emptiness of their marriage.

The other children feel their father's prejudices and reflect the expected responses in such a family circumstance: they both vie for papa's affection and fester hostility toward the beloved child. So furious is their anger that they actually have attempted to murder the boy. Although this pains the father, they refuse to apologize and gain perverse satisfaction in his anguish.

Readers of the Bible recognize these individuals who sit together in therapy. They are the children of Jacob, the twelve tribes of Israel. Their passions, conflicts and reconciliations are the stuff of generations of exegesis, midrash and contemporary theater.

The family of Jacob is the first intact family of the Jewish memory. His own brother and his father's brother were pushed out of their inheritance. He fled his wives’ family with his father-in-law in murderous pursuit. The Torah records all these voices and allows the reader to relate with each of the family members. One can be a son as well as a father, loving one brother and hating another. There is jealousy and neediness and unfulfilled expectations that the family should soothe loneliness and pain.

In the same way that people dream at night and realize that they can be everyone in the dream because they own that dream – it belongs to them – so one is allowed to recognize and empathize with everyone in the biblical family. This is a great gift to one who treasures the Torah, for it provides many problematic family scenes. People today can identify with all the characters and with their relationships because, like the family of the patriarch, Jacob, families today seem in pain and in trouble.

Biblical families excepted, the Jewish family of history has always prided itself as having an exceptional reputation. Respect for parents, those who gave birth, is meant to expand the terrain of mitzvot. The Ten Commandments instruct children to honor their mothers and fathers, a tradition continued elsewhere in the Torah with the admonition to honor and to fear one's parents. The Talmud clarifies what this means:

What is "fear"? A child should not stand in the father's customary place and should not sit in his place. He should not contradict or support him in public(as if the father needed the child's support). What is honor? Feed your parent and provide drink and clothing and covering; accompany your parent when going in and out (all assuming the parent needs such assistance) (BT Qiddushin 31b).

The Talmud also insures that parents provide their children with more than room and board. Not only are they to bring him or her into the covenant of Abraham and Sarah, but:

In Jewish texts dealing with family relations there is honor, respect and responsibility for the continuity of the family. There is ample evidence today that it is within the family that healthy human beings are formed. Studies of family dynamics make convincing claims that the functional family plays a crucial role in personality formation and in community building. Family is meant to designate both biological connection and aspiration for meaningfulness. Within the crucible of a caring home, children learn to live in relationship through family interactions and begin to explore ways to see the world as a good place. The web of relationships that family entails grounds us in a self-identity while developing a sense of personal responsibility. It is within that environment of relationship that people begin to take on obligations for other human beings. Within the Jewish framework, family should provide the genesis of embracing a Jewish way to live life.

As has often been said, Jewish traditions and American culture share a great deal. But in the arena of the family, Judaism championed the home with all its inadequacies as theprimary pedagogue, the most reliable source of covenantal transmission. Harold Schulweisisolates Jewish pedagogy on the essentials of human development when he quotes the response of a young child to the question, "Why do you believe in God (or in doing mitzvot, or in seeking kedushah, or pursuing justice and righteousness)? Her response is swift and clear: "I don't know," she replies, "I guess it runs in the family."

The Jewish home established by Abraham and Sarah, with all its complexity, understood that there is no conflict over nurture and nature: both are critical and work in symbiotic union. One is in a relationship because of flesh and blood and because that person shares a core of values, behaviors and beliefs with those people with whom a home is shared.

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's computer. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants...

Rabbi Shira Milgrom is spiritual leader of Congregation Kol Ami in White Plains, NY. Dr David Elcott is US director of the American Jewish Committee's interreligious affairs department.