A Response
The article by Wendy Mogel opens up a good discussion on derekh eretz, providing biblical, rabbinic and personal observations on positive human interaction. Children learn from observation and modeling, based on watching those they love and whose love they want to earn in return. Because children differ due to innate personalities, a variety of physical and mental limitations and family context, what a child experiences throughout her/his development becomes a factor in whom s/he will become as a teen and adult. Listening to and watching adults is as much an “experience” as what one actually does. Hearing what others say, either directly or indirectly, can be as significant as being hugged or harmed.
I would guess that all of us have said things about others that we wished our young children did not hear. Once words are articulated, they cannot be taken back. Thus, we have to be careful with our words. As an educator and parent, I used to hear 3- and 4-year-olds trying to shame other children, calling them names or critiquing their “work.” Teachers are usually sensitive to such verbal abuse, but they do not always hear every conversation happening in a classroom or on the playground. Parents have to partner with teachers to let children know that each individual is worthy. We are all different from each other in many ways. But, all of us are valued for who we are and many others out there have the potential to be our next best friend. The words we use and the tone in which they are said can be damaging. Friends become enemies. Derekh eretz compels us to become conscious of this effect on others and to transmit this attitude toward our children.
Another area of social development that impacts on how we treat others is exercised in self-control, especially in terms of sharing and taking turns. This is impossible for the very young. They have no self-control and they have no social conscience. At an early age, however, children can gradually learn through interaction, through being reminded that others are equally entitled to the same toy, to a piece of the cake, to our undivided attention. Sharing things, sharing time with Mommy, sharing a place next to a favorite relative can be a major issue for pre-schoolers. Helping these children to understand that their turn will come, that others have the same desires, that all of us have to give up and hold back at times is difficult to learn, but essential to harmonious social interaction. A two-year-old is less inclined to understand and to be patient. A four-year-old should have already acquired a level of mastery in these skills to relate appropriately, most of the time.
Children who feel good about themselves will have an easier time of relating positively toward others. Their self-confidence, without arrogance, will guide them toward “doing the right thing” for themselves and with others. Acknowledging a child’s achievements, providing love and lots of hugs at the right time, and also setting up age-appropriate limits are ways of helping our children become mentchen. A child who feels all-powerful will not understand the human limits of others. A child who does not feel secure will demand comfort through unacceptable means. A child who is given total freedom will not learn self-control and sensitivity toward others. Derekh eretz is the Jewish term that describes how we move our children from self-centered, disorganized personalities to loving, caring human beings. The job is difficult and complex. But, as our Rabbis taught us two thousand years ago, “It is not yours to complete the task, but neither are you free to desist from it.”
